Not to brag, but Donald Trump hit a hole-in-one and he wants the world to know

Donald Trump has achieved a great deal (pardon the pun) in the 75 years he’s spent on this planet. From humble beginnings as the son of a New York real-estate mogul, he has gone on to have an unblemished record of success in the world of business, charmed America (and the world) with his unique persona as host of The Apprentice, and – through his characteristically quiet, dignified competence – proved himself to be perhaps the greatest statesman of his generation.

To lesser folk like you and me, it may be hard to believe that anything could top such stunning achievements. And yet, The Donald continues to amaze.

Trump – who owns 19 golf courses across three continents – finally got a hole-in-one. The former president described the auspicious moment in a press release on Tuesday, saying the ball “sailed magnificently into a rather strong wind, with approximately 5 feet of cut, whereupon it bounced twice and then went clank, into the hole”.

According to data from TrumpGolfCount.com, Trump made 298 visits to golf courses during his four years in office, averaging at more than one trip round the links per week. The result speaks for itself, with the news sure to silence even his sharpest critics.

Here’s what some had to say.

“The best bit of this generally amazing statement is the opening implying that in the midst of war, inflation, and Slapgate, top rumor mill slot was actually speculation about Trump’s hole-in-one”, wrote self-described ‘anti-feminist’ Inez Stepman.

“Trump out-Trumps himself with latest statement”, wrote Hayley Barlow from the Daily Mail Group.

One user said that Trump “writes with all the soul and eloquence of your average 8th grader”. Sadly, with Trump banned from Twitter, this compliment is unlikely to reach him.

Cynics have argued, however, that the announcement is a convenient distraction from news that several hours are missing from the former president’s phone logs.

Documents obtained by The Washington Post and CBS News show a gap between 11:17 a.m. and 6:54 p.m. on the 6th of January 2021: the day of the Capitol Insurrection.

A House select committee is now investigating whether President Trump used unofficial channels, such as aides’ phones or burner phones. In a statement, Trump said: “I have no idea what a burner phone is, to the best of knowledge I have never even heard the term.”

On the golf, Trump yet again showed characteristic humility, writing: “I won’t tell you who won because I am a very modest individual, and then you will say I was bragging – and I don’t like people who brag!”