Count Binface's guide to 2022: A year of political bin fires

Count Binface has been a political candidate in the 2019 general election and the 2021 London mayoral election. His policies include proroguing Jacob Rees-Mogg, nationalising Adele and renaming London Bridge to Pheobe Waller-Bridge. Daft as they may seem, given the political year the UK has just had they don’t seem quite so far-fetched. He gives his verdict on the madness of 2022 in Westminster, a year like that will go down in history.

Well, well, well. 2022. What a year. War. World Cup. Wagatha Christie. There’s been so much drama, it’s given Netflix and all those other streaming services a proper run for their money. Who needs to binge-watch House of Cards or The Crown when you’ve got the latest season of them both going on right now in real time on the news channels? It’s quite extraordinary. All it needs is a catchy title. ‘2022’ is too obvious. I’m calling it ‘Three Prime Ministers and a Funeral’. That’s got a good ring to it. 

On top of all those shenanigans, it’s also been a big year for ol’ Binface. Fresh from my triumph of being dubbed officially London’s ninth choice to be mayor in the 2021 election, over the last 12 months I’ve split my time between administering smooth and effective government on my home planet of Sigma IX, and offering sensible opposition to your continuing shitshow in the United Kingdom. I know the Labour Party is ending the year with a whopping great poll lead, but unlike them I’ve got the balls to actually come up with some policies. And not just any, but the finest manifesto ever created in the entire omniverse. Croissants price-capped at £1? Check. Adele to be nationalised? Check. Spare royal palaces to be used as homeless shelters? Check. Council tax to be doubled on second homes? Check. Ministers’ pay to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years? Check. The restoration of Ceefax? Check! And bin-loads more besides.

In fact, I’m so generous that this year I decided to put down all my amazing ideas in print, in my wondrous new book, What On Earth?, which is out now in all good bookshops (and Amazon). It’s the perfect Christmas and/or birthday present for your loved ones and your other less popular family members too, and promoting it is definitely not the reason why I’m accepting lots of press requests at the moment, like this one. 

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When it comes to human magazines, my favourite by far is The Big Issue, so when they invited me to give my thoughts on the year just gone I was over the moon (and several planets) to be asked. So here goes. I think if we were to look back on the last year of British politics and to sum it up in a single reaction, it would be to laugh so hard that one’s guts nearly fall out. Has a bunch of politicians ever made such a catastrophic pig’s auditory organ out of running a country like the UK Conservative Party has managed in 2022? To lose one Chancellor of the Exchequer may be regarded as misfortune. To lose two looks like carelessness. And to lose three is fucking hilarious. And incredibly that’s just a footnote compared to the rest of the shitshow. Things got so bad during the summer that, just like Match of the Day, Britain started a new ‘Prime Minister of the Month’ competition. 

And when it comes to picking my favourite PM of 2022, I really am split. First, in the blue corner, there was the long-awaited self-destruction of the blond bumshell, Boris Johnson, who got kicked out by his own party for being – how shall I put this – not being truthful. Then he went on a luxury holiday instead of representing the good citizens of Uxbridge and South Ruislip, and only flew back to Blighty when he thought he sniffed a chance of getting the top job again, only to discover that even Tory MPs don’t have quite that bad a case of short-term memory loss. 

And then in the even bluer corner we have Ms Elizabeth Truss, whose blink-and-you’ll-miss-her premiership managed to do even more damage in 44 days than three years of Boris. Thanks to the ‘mini-budget’ unveiled by her and Kwasi Kwarteng (remember him? No, thought as much), there’s now a whopping great black hole in the centre of the economy as well as the galaxy. The mind boggles as to what she could have done to you all with a full budget. There’s only one thing for it, I say. Drop her on Moscow and let her wreak havoc there.

So much has happened this year, it’s easy to forget the furore over Partygate, the smuttiness of Tractorgate, and the bullying by Gavin Williamson (Twatgate), all of which proved just how much the current government has been taking the piss. And that’s why I’m more convinced than ever that the British public are soon going to elect me as an MP. The current Parliament has made a complete mockery out of politics – now it’s the voters’ turn to have some payback!

And so we move into 2023. The show must go on, as I believe the late Queen sang on her Greatest Hits II. Next year promises to be the Battle of the Blands, between Rishi ‘Don’t Tax My Wife’ Sunak and Keir ‘Night Nurse’ Starmer. Yawnsville or what? There’s only one way around it. One day soon, I shall make my next bid for power. Join me and together we can finally put the UK on the map. To binfinity and beyond! 

(Oh and did I mention I have a book out? Check it out. It’s brilliant.)

Peace and love,

Count Binface x

What On Earth?: An Alien’s Guide to Fixing Britain by Count Binface is out now (Quercus Publishing, £14.99)

@CountBinface

This article is taken from The Big Issue magazine. If you cannot reach your local vendor, you can still click HERE to subscribe to The Big Issue today or give a gift subscription to a friend or family member.You can also purchase one-off issues from The Big Issue Shop or The Big Issue app, available now from the App Store or Google Play.